Processing thru grief

 Processing through grief

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare

The quote by Shakespeare is informative when coping with the loss of someone you love. The action of giving sorrow words calls for an intentional attempt to process your grief.

Sometimes people think that they can face grief alone, taking on the challenge. “I have figured my way out of many other things so, if I think hard enough, I can get myself out of this haze.” But this is a disposition that causes the human to operate in direct opposition to humanness.

Being human means that we come into the world first observing the world around us and becoming aware of ourselves. As we come to know ourselves, we learn, by trial and error to adapt to the physical world. Soon we are faced with the challenge to negotiate relationships. As we understand how to relate to life, we get to know others. Relating to other people helps us to know that we are not alone in the world of experiences. The task of telling someone else our experience is risky and can make us nervous.

“What will this person do with my secret thoughts?”

“Will this person use what I say against me later?” “What I have seen and done is so terrible. No one can handle it well.”

These are some of thoughts that keep grieving people from talking about their grief, but this also is part of being human.

Another aspect of being human is the act of processing our experiences. When we learn to share what we are going through with people we trust, it helps us to understand life better.

Carl Rogers wrote, “Acceptance does not mean much until it involves understanding. It is only as I understand the feelings and thoughts which seem so horrible to you, or so weak, or so sentimental, or so bizarre – it is only as I see them, and accept them and you, that you feel really free to explore all the hidden nooks and frightening crannies of your inner and often buried experience. This freedom is an important condition of the relationship.”

Giving sorrow words is the act of allowing someone else to offer me acceptance so that I can make sense in the human experience of grief. This is not always easy and requires more than an entitled approach but the back and forth of knowing each other. It takes talking.

Our support person/group must allow us the freedom to explore life as we know it aloud. When we share that experience with those who can offer the freedom to be heard, we open our hand to receive love, we also hear what we are thinking and learn that our lives resonate with what it means to be a human person.

Processing through grief takes the understanding of sharing without fixing, the discipline of listening before responding, the love to respond knowing the complex turns life can take. When we process our grief, we take the risk like stepping into the ocean. Little by little, we move forward. One-step at a time getting used to the cool water and then taking another step. We share, we listen and wait to understand what we just said. Walking into the wave of emotions is difficult but of great value in understanding life as it comes at us.

Processing through grief, giving sorrow words is hard work, but like other forms of work, is very helpful in our own self-development. We sometimes feel very tired after processing through grief because our soul seeks to understand life differently than we previously experienced. That father is gone forever, that child has been snatched from your arms, that wife is no longer under my care. We grow to love a someone as we tend to know what we can do for them, but now we are no longer at the center of their attention. We were accepted by them, on some level, but now they are not present to show us they care.

Talking to another human person about grief is personal, intimate, risk-taking but valuable in going forward and continuing to be human.

Give sorrow words and grow through grief.

Chaplain Horace Cutter, M. Div. BCPC

Grief- A Kneejerk reaction or a reasonable response

 

Grief- A kneejerk reaction or a reasonable response

Chaplain Horace Cutter, M. Div., BCPC

          Proverbs 15:13 “A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance, but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.”

        It is very hard to ignore the person that you are.  The challenges that you face and joys lift you are all part of your own personal experience.  It is a common action in our world to try to ignore the grief, to push it down deep so that we can get along with life.  However, the grief is still there and lurks behind future experiences.  The psychological world calls this pushing down of emotions repression.  Pressing down the grief, breaks down the vitality of the spirit within.  Just for the record, I do believe that repressed joy can have adverse effects on a person also.  It is just part of being human.

      A person who suppresses the hard experiences of life will tend to be haunted by them in ways they cannot control and at times that they cannot maintain.   When ignored, repressed emotions can come back with a vengeance.   The best way to respond to the hard experiences of life is to reflect on them and make intentional changes to our life.   Those changes may be emotional, spiritual or physical.

       The first part of this proverb is the unclaimed jewel that many miss.  The heart that I merry is revealed on the face of the person who faces his/her ups and downs with help.  I do not believe that every event requires a trained professional; in fact, a close friend who will refrain from judging and prioritize listening can attend to most issues of emotional impact.   The love of a true friend can answer many of the hard tragedies of life.   A trained and licensed to counselor can help emotional/ psychological problems. 

          We sometimes think that ignoring the emotional weight of grief will solve the problem of grief.   This is a great error.  As complex persons with so many ways of adjusting to life and reacting to life, humans have certain ways of coping that automatically happen internally to maintain life.  Life is so powerful that it is not only the physical body that preserves and thrives to live but also life is psychological and emotional. 

Or Spiritual! 

          Although we live in this world, life is so hard to explain in simple terms.  Part of this complexity of life has to do with what we would call functions of the heart.  Not the heat muscle but the inner drive of a person.   To maintain this inner drive we must use mental instruments.   Just as the bodybuilder uses equipment to make each muscle stronger people should take on mental exercises to maintain their spirit and emotions. 

       So, how do you maintain a merry heart? 

    Good question! 1) Maintain healthy relationships.  Not just acquaintances but face to face friends who offer support by way of truth, affirmation and criticism.  We all could use a ‘Yes’ person at times but one person who offers these three aspects of relationship are worth their weight in gold.

        2) Humans must take note of where they are in life and what is important to them.  It is very hard to see another goal that could offer some place of respect, level of society or status but reflecting on experiences and future priorities will help save a lot of time.   

            3)  Find healthy physical and mental activities to perform regularly.  It is amazing how closely tied the body is with the soul.  Keeping each of them healthy is a sure way of having a merry heart.

      4)  Remember to laugh.  Not only laughing but also crying.  Expressing your emotions to without harm to others is a healthy way to continue being yourself.   This also relieves stress.

          Remember that the Great Creator made humans connected to the earth but superior to other animals.  This was not only to manage the earth but also to relate to the Creator in special ways.  The fact that people who have the image of God upon them implies so much more than just living and doing things.  

   God has given us life so that we could enjoy this life, enjoy His world, and Enjoy Him.    

For those who have lost

 

An Affirmation for Those Who Have Lost

- James E. Miller

I believe there is no denying it: it hurts to lose.

It hurts to lose a cherished relationship with another,

Or a significant part of one’s own self.

It can hurt to lose that which has united one with the past

Or that which has beckoned one into the future.

It is painful to feel diminished or abandoned,

To be left behind or left alone.

Yet I believe there is more to losing than just the hurt and the pain.

For there are other experiences that loss can call forth.

I believe that courage often appears,

However quietly it is expressed,

However easily it goes unnoticed by others:

The courage to be strong enough to surrender,

The fortitude to be firm enough to be flexible.

I believe a time of loss can be a time of learning unlike any other,

And that it can teach some of life’s most valuable lessons.

 

In the act of losing there is something to be found.

In the act of letting go, there is something to be grasped.

In the act of saying “goodbye”, there is a “hello” to be heard.

For I believe living with loss is about beginnings as well as endings.

And grieving is a matter of life more than death.

And growing is a matter of mind and heart and soul more than of body.

And loving is a matter of eternity more than of time.

Finally, I believe in the promising paradoxes of loss.

 

In the midst of darkness, there can come great Light.

At the bottom of despair, there can appear a great Hope.

And deep within loneliness, there can dwell a great Love.

I believe these things because others have shown the way –

Others who have lost and have then grown through their losing,

Others who have suffered and then found new meaning.

So I know I am not alone:

I am accompanied, day after night, night after day.

Walking Through the Valley of Grief

 

Walking through the valley of grief

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  ~Kahlil Gibran

          The great interrupter!

      If you are grieving the loss of a loved one today that means you are being hassled by the great interrupter.  Let’s face it, the loss of a loved one is a bad experience to bare.  But then comes in the great interrupter, ‘Grief’ to keep you up at night, crash our dreams, meddle with your thoughts during the day and even cause you to forget important plans that you have made.  The great interrupter has a way of affecting us so that we sometimes cannot even get anything done in life.  It is a chore to just go to the store or wash the dishes or even get out of bed.  It has been true that the great interrupter is a not welcomed but still there. 

      Sometimes people feel that they should be over the loss of a loved one in a few weeks but that is almost never the case.  Many try to solve the grief problem with throwing themselves into their work or play, looking for ways to avoid the heavy feelings of sadness. 

This is a mistake.  

      Grief is an interrupter, but you can get through your grief by facing it head on.  I know this sounds scary because you are afraid that you will go crazy crying or do something drastic to change the relationship that you had with your loved one.  Listen, facing grief is not easy but it is possible to do when you are prepared for the journey.  Here are some things to do.

      * Take time to reflect on the life of your loved one. 

       Everyone that makes an appointment with me, and comes into my office gets two things; the opportunity to share their story and a grief journal.  Journal is an amazing tool for processing through experiences.  People of all walks of life have testified to the use of a journal that helped them through the pain of processing trauma, grief or just a bad relationship.  Just follow the rules for journaling; Don’t worry about rules for grammar and proper language,  keep all the notes in a book together, and the journal is FYEO that is For Your Eyes Only.  Follow these rules and reflect on the life and experiences of you and your loved one together.  This will help a lot!

     *Give yourself some time.

        We live in a fast-paced world.  We get a phone call through in milli-seconds, the food is on the plate within minutes and google answers almost any question we may have at the drop of a hat.  Our world is amazing and moving faster each day.  But!  We are still human beings.  There is so much more to the human mind, body and soul than fixing a meal or getting answers to questions.  We, as humans, need to process through our lives.  Taking time to reflect through their life-story by way of pictures, thinking about the events of life that you shared together with souvenirs and the accomplishments they made like viewing their diploma are so important. They can help you move through the process of a life lived in real space and time.  This will help you know how their influence helps you still to face challenges in today. 

            *Honor your loved one with your delight!

         The quote from Kahlil Gibran is insightful by saying that “weeping for that which has been your delight”, is a truth that you are realizing.   Losing a loved one is devastating and has so many other issues that come along with the loss.   But if you think about it and I asked you, “What advice would your loved one give you if you were able to talk with them, telling them how you feel about their death?”  Most responses to this question are an affirmation to their love for each other and the rigid words of going on in life.   What am I saying?  Most people say, “He would tell me that he loves me just as always and You don’t need to stop your life because I am gone.  Get back going again!”   Will you follow their advice?

         Most of the time the very one that you would go to for support to face hard times, is the one that you are grieving over.  They would hug you and sit with you, scold you and get you back into life again just because of what you both have experienced together.  But they are gone now… Or are they?  You know them very well and you probably could walk yourself through the very conversation that you would have with them right now.  They would help you and nudge you back into real-time today and say, “Now, what do you need to do next?”   So, try doing that next thing that they would advise you to do. 

 

       Getting through grief is tough but it is very possible and you can do it.  Remember:  Give yourself time to process, Take out time to really reflect on them and Honor your loved one with your delight. 

This will make the great interrupter avoid you because you did not run from your real life.  Face off with grief today.           

      Chaplain H. Cutter, M. Div. BCPC