For those who have lost

 

An Affirmation for Those Who Have Lost

- James E. Miller

I believe there is no denying it: it hurts to lose.

It hurts to lose a cherished relationship with another,

Or a significant part of one’s own self.

It can hurt to lose that which has united one with the past

Or that which has beckoned one into the future.

It is painful to feel diminished or abandoned,

To be left behind or left alone.

Yet I believe there is more to losing than just the hurt and the pain.

For there are other experiences that loss can call forth.

I believe that courage often appears,

However quietly it is expressed,

However easily it goes unnoticed by others:

The courage to be strong enough to surrender,

The fortitude to be firm enough to be flexible.

I believe a time of loss can be a time of learning unlike any other,

And that it can teach some of life’s most valuable lessons.

 

In the act of losing there is something to be found.

In the act of letting go, there is something to be grasped.

In the act of saying “goodbye”, there is a “hello” to be heard.

For I believe living with loss is about beginnings as well as endings.

And grieving is a matter of life more than death.

And growing is a matter of mind and heart and soul more than of body.

And loving is a matter of eternity more than of time.

Finally, I believe in the promising paradoxes of loss.

 

In the midst of darkness, there can come great Light.

At the bottom of despair, there can appear a great Hope.

And deep within loneliness, there can dwell a great Love.

I believe these things because others have shown the way –

Others who have lost and have then grown through their losing,

Others who have suffered and then found new meaning.

So I know I am not alone:

I am accompanied, day after night, night after day.

Walking Through the Valley of Grief

 

Walking through the valley of grief

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  ~Kahlil Gibran

          The great interrupter!

      If you are grieving the loss of a loved one today that means you are being hassled by the great interrupter.  Let’s face it, the loss of a loved one is a bad experience to bare.  But then comes in the great interrupter, ‘Grief’ to keep you up at night, crash our dreams, meddle with your thoughts during the day and even cause you to forget important plans that you have made.  The great interrupter has a way of affecting us so that we sometimes cannot even get anything done in life.  It is a chore to just go to the store or wash the dishes or even get out of bed.  It has been true that the great interrupter is a not welcomed but still there. 

      Sometimes people feel that they should be over the loss of a loved one in a few weeks but that is almost never the case.  Many try to solve the grief problem with throwing themselves into their work or play, looking for ways to avoid the heavy feelings of sadness. 

This is a mistake.  

      Grief is an interrupter, but you can get through your grief by facing it head on.  I know this sounds scary because you are afraid that you will go crazy crying or do something drastic to change the relationship that you had with your loved one.  Listen, facing grief is not easy but it is possible to do when you are prepared for the journey.  Here are some things to do.

      * Take time to reflect on the life of your loved one. 

       Everyone that makes an appointment with me, and comes into my office gets two things; the opportunity to share their story and a grief journal.  Journal is an amazing tool for processing through experiences.  People of all walks of life have testified to the use of a journal that helped them through the pain of processing trauma, grief or just a bad relationship.  Just follow the rules for journaling; Don’t worry about rules for grammar and proper language,  keep all the notes in a book together, and the journal is FYEO that is For Your Eyes Only.  Follow these rules and reflect on the life and experiences of you and your loved one together.  This will help a lot!

     *Give yourself some time.

        We live in a fast-paced world.  We get a phone call through in milli-seconds, the food is on the plate within minutes and google answers almost any question we may have at the drop of a hat.  Our world is amazing and moving faster each day.  But!  We are still human beings.  There is so much more to the human mind, body and soul than fixing a meal or getting answers to questions.  We, as humans, need to process through our lives.  Taking time to reflect through their life-story by way of pictures, thinking about the events of life that you shared together with souvenirs and the accomplishments they made like viewing their diploma are so important. They can help you move through the process of a life lived in real space and time.  This will help you know how their influence helps you still to face challenges in today. 

            *Honor your loved one with your delight!

         The quote from Kahlil Gibran is insightful by saying that “weeping for that which has been your delight”, is a truth that you are realizing.   Losing a loved one is devastating and has so many other issues that come along with the loss.   But if you think about it and I asked you, “What advice would your loved one give you if you were able to talk with them, telling them how you feel about their death?”  Most responses to this question are an affirmation to their love for each other and the rigid words of going on in life.   What am I saying?  Most people say, “He would tell me that he loves me just as always and You don’t need to stop your life because I am gone.  Get back going again!”   Will you follow their advice?

         Most of the time the very one that you would go to for support to face hard times, is the one that you are grieving over.  They would hug you and sit with you, scold you and get you back into life again just because of what you both have experienced together.  But they are gone now… Or are they?  You know them very well and you probably could walk yourself through the very conversation that you would have with them right now.  They would help you and nudge you back into real-time today and say, “Now, what do you need to do next?”   So, try doing that next thing that they would advise you to do. 

 

       Getting through grief is tough but it is very possible and you can do it.  Remember:  Give yourself time to process, Take out time to really reflect on them and Honor your loved one with your delight. 

This will make the great interrupter avoid you because you did not run from your real life.  Face off with grief today.           

      Chaplain H. Cutter, M. Div. BCPC